May 8-2003

Another crazy day in the life. I swear-------if you could live one of my day's-------you just have no idea. I never stop. From the minute I wake up-------------I don't stop. I must like it because I have been like this since I can remember.

So- the diet is coming along. I think I will hit the auto pilot mode by next week. I am feeling less hungry----and things are just starting to click. It is about time------eh? Like I always say---I am a fat person living in a bodybuilders body.

I had another twist of bad news. The casting director of Spider Man called me. They are not interested in a female Bodybuilder-----they found a different spin on the idea. It didn't *** surprise, involve a female BB. Once again--------society is not ready for us. I told the director---what better place than a superhero movie to feature a female BB. I just don't get it. Said-------I might take a away from the character. He did tell me that he liked the audition tape--------but, what did that get me--------NOTHING.

On a good note-MTV loved me. I will start filming on Monday. Unfortunately-----MTV does not pay anything. I will get a few perks------but, that is it. It is so funny-----something about the fitness industry. Everyone thinks that we get paid for this stuff------the truth--------we are totally taken advantage of. We do so much for free. I hate playing the game about "PUBLICITY" is better than Money.

Sometimes I think I should just be a figure girl----------there would be more opportunities for me. It just seems that there are only two ways to go in female BB---------CLEAN OR DIRTY. There is no other way to play the game.

I am just going to have fun getting into shape. I am in one of those self-reflection modes again.

I really don't understand what the deal is with society. I can't figure out all the resistance female bodybuilders get when it comes to finding a place in this world for our LOOK. I think muscle is beautiful. I just don't understand what people are afraid of.

Once again-----I can't change the world. I just hope to make them a little bit more open minded. I still can't believe that they thought that a female BB would be inappropriate for SPIDER MAN. I mean-------Come on!