Nov, 1- 2002

I really can't believe that it is Nov. 1st! Where does the time go? I am pressing on-- if I don't look the way I need to- I am not going to compete at National's. I am trying. I officially got on the scale today- 168#. So- my weight has not changed at all. I have to say- I must have put on some muscle b/c I am losing bodyfat. If I do end up making it to National's- I am sure that I will weigh 158# -- if I am lucky. I think it is a matter of my body fighting my mind. You want something so bad- but, your body tells you something different. It is hard to explain.

If I do not end up competing- I am still going to go out to Dallas and support the other women and work the SciTec booth. I am also going to arrange photo shoots, etc.. I might even go out to LA to capitalize on some publicity while I am in shape. I do not want to compete unless I am looking fabulous. I can't disappoint myself -- and everyone else for that matter. It wouldn't be good for me to compete if I am not in shape.

I will do the best I can. In the scheme of life- there is always going to be another show. Maybe I am destined to be an amateur forever. I sometimes wonder if that is such a bad place to be. I am placing well-- I am enjoying myself-- etc.. I am getting publicity in the magazines. If I turn Pro- it is like starting all over again. I have to make BB fit into my REAL life. In the end -- the world of FBB is a subculture that you have to keep at a distance from real life. You can get lost and lose site of what is really important. I continue to learn balance in my life. It is going to be refreshing when I start dancing again. I can't wait. I need that back in my life -- for my sanity.